As I sit here waiting for video to render 4 hours before the due date of a large project, I felt like shortly musing upon why I do this, wait for the last moment for things like this. While procrastination is a human feature, for me I think there’s more to it, and it comes down to more one simple thing: pressure.
Pressure brings out the best in me. It erases my usual lackadaisical-ness when it comes to doing things, it marginalizes my perchance for procrastination, makes me use myself to my fullest potential.
Pressure also brings out the worst in me. I am skilled. I know this, regardless of my pseudo-humble musings of “I’m not that good”. I am that good, and when I am put under pressure, I am forced to prove that. However, there is a fine line between pride and vainglory.
Skilled that I may be, I am but human in the face of vanity; vanity breeds arrogance, arrogance breeds ignorance, ignorance corrodes skills.
Pressure finally brings out an aspect of myself. It exhilarates me, enthralls me, enraptures me, it turns me the fuck on. I rarely fail at things I attempt to do, so the thought of how close I can get to the precipice of failure drives me to cut everything short. This also means I have little drive to do things that have no time constraints. But I enjoy it.
It’s why that third aspect is so confusing to me. I’ll need to change, and change sometime soon. But for now, I guess I’ll just keep riding the highs.